Foods I Might Shank You For

So I haven't posted in a while... Mostly what I've been doing is schoolwork, dance, baby sitting, sitting on my friends, biting them, and trolling around elsewhere on the internet. I am also Catholic. So I celebrate Easter, and I ate a lot of candy.
So I've been doing nothing important and I gained about two pounds in like the past month...
These are the foods I was eating.
WARNING: If I post about 10 million lists in the next week, do not be alarmed. I get Spring break and I don't have anything better to do. Because I have three friends... Yeah. But I feel like you already knew that because blogs are what trolls like me have....

NUMERO UNO:
Cookies.
Chocolate chip. Sugar. Peanut Butter. Oatmeal Raisin.
I will, in fact, use physical violence to obtain these sweet sweet little things.
Basically... STEP AWAY FROM THE COOKIES B*TCH.
Oh, and a warning to all you sneaky turds who think it's a good idea to not label cookies: IF IT IS A FREAKING OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIE, WRITE THAT ON THE PLATE/TRAY/PACKAGE.
I have no problem with oat/rai cookies. I love them. But if they are sitting there innocently on the table and I expect gooey chocolate chips, THAT IS NO GOOD.


NUMBER TWO:
Spray cheese.
I don't care if I'm lactose intolerant and get violently ill when I finish an entire can.
Unicorns poop glitter and rainbows, so I'm gonna go out on a limb and guess that this is Chuck Norris's feces, condensed into a can and made ready for me to spray onto my bacon.
Nuff' said.


NUMERO TRES: 
Bacon.
Quoting Matthew Inman of the hysterical site The Oatmeal, bacon is better than love. "True love happens once in a lifetime, bacon can happen 7 times a day if you want it to. Bacon you can keep in the fridge, true love you cannot. Bacon will always be there for you."


NUMBER FOUR:
Pudding.
This might also be made of Chuck Norris's keester cakes.